How to Talk to Your Child About Weight: The Ultimate Guide for Parents
As parents, sometimes conversations and situations arise that we are unprepared for. Talking to kids about a child's weight is one of those tricky topics that must be handled with the utmost care. A growing number of children have weight concerns.
How do you talk to your child about their body in a way that is respectful and helpful? How can we protect kids from the health effects of excess weight without sparking disordered eating?
In this guide, we will provide tips for how to have these conversations in a way that promotes healthy eating habits and protects a positive body image.
How to talk (and not talk) to your child about weight
Our society promotes an unrealistic idea of being effortlessly thin. Your child will receive input about their body from many sources, including school, online, media, friends, and family.
Your role as a parent is:
To provide a protective, bubble to counteract the influences of media and friends, tipping the scale in favor of health and moderation.
To gently encourage healthy lifestyle habits, while avoiding any notion that body size is related to self-worth.
To encourage healthy habits without your child feeling different or restricted.
Having a healthy weight does not solve all of one’s problems. It does not change insecurity to confidence, and it does not make someone happy. A healthy weight can have health benefits, but a positive self-image doesn't miraculously appear at a given size.
First, learn to de-emphasize weight in your everyday interactions.
It seems as though our society talks about body size in just about every context imaginable. Whether it's talking about physical health, social status, or desirability, weight is always present in the conversation. I recommend de-emphasizing weight talk, shape, and size, particularly in front of children. Children pay attention to your words and learn what is important to you. When they see you greet someone and say "You look so thin!" they learn that being thin is desirable and important. Here is my rule (with very few exceptions)... don't comment on weight.
When you haven't seen someone in a long time and they have changed shape or size...
When you are looking at your own appearance or choosing an outfit...
When you are helping someone decide what to wear...
When you are not sure what to say ...
... do not comment on weight.
Do not Comment on Weight
The qualities you admire in your friends and family have nothing to do with a number on a scale. Comment on their strength, their accomplishments, their kindness, their posture.. and you teach children that those are the things that matter to you.
The goal is to make your child think that being thin is not the key to happiness or success.
Happiness Pie Chart
By limiting weight talk and giving attention to more important qualities, you will lay the groundwork for a respectful discussion.
Set a good example by modeling body positivity.
Some parents suffer from low self-esteem but want to promote strong body self-image in their children. You can help your child by regularly complimenting your own body - in front of your child. This can be challenging for many parents, but it is so important. I encourage you to take a few minutes and think of positive (true) things about your body that you can mention to your kids. There is a worksheet for this in the free resource library. If you struggle, you officially have my permission to fake it until you make it. Here are a few examples:
"Look how strong my legs are - I can climb all these stairs"
"My bright colors make me look friendly"
These extra lines on my belly came when it grew to grow you - isn't it amazing what my body can do!
Don't say anything to yourself that you wouldn't say to someone else. When you model body positivity your child, you help your child look at their bodies in a more positive light.
A woman proud of her strong arms.
How to Check-In With Your Child's Feelings About His or Her Body.
Some Age-Appropriate Context.
Children understand at a young age that people's bodies are different. A child with obesity may start to feel like they are different from other kids around age five. This is generally when younger kids become self-conscious about their bodies.
A recent study by common sense media found that 80% of 10-year-old girls - elementary school-aged children - have tried to lose weight by dieting. So, we've got to discuss it.
But we also need to not spark an obsession or eating disorder
How to Start A Conversation
So, here's the objective: we want to get our kid talking about something they probably don't want to talk about, and we'd like it to be in a respectable, non-threatening way. We want to use care not to ignite concern where one did not previously exist.
Pick a time - ideally, a time not related to food, meals or eating
Ask an open-ended question and then wait. It may take them a few minutes for a child to think and respond.
Here are some good examples of conversation starters.
I've noticed a lot of kids your age have questions about weight. What questions, if any, do you have about weight?
I read an article that a lot of kids your age have tried to lose weight. Do you think that is true? What are your thoughts?
We know that diets are not helpful for losing weight, but a lot of people use them anyway. Have any of your friends talked about dieting?
I have been learning about teens and body image and I wanted to check in with you. What are your thoughts on your body? Do you feel like your body is too big, too small, or just about right?
How to talk to your child about being overweight
Negative comments and weight talk affects a child's self-esteem. Imagine how a child with obesity feels seeing their lean friends navigate the world with ease. They may feel left out, sad and different. What's worse, 10-20% of primary school children with childhood obesity had low global self-worth.
When we talk about lifestyle changes, for children with extra weight, we must emphasize a healthy lifestyle (eating healthy, regular physical activity) without emphasizing weight loss.
How to know if your child's body weight is a problem
To determine if your child's body size is a concern, start by consulting with your child's pediatrician or another qualified health professional. Your doctor will check your child's growth and overall health at each well-care appointment. Because excessive body fat is a risk factor for health problems like heart disease, joint pain and diabetes, lab tests or weight management measures may be recommended. Here is a great summary of how to determine if a child's health is affected by body size.
Starting the discussion
If you have a child that is gaining weight faster than expected and you are ready to start the discussion, I like to start with "I noticed statements...
I noticed you don't want to go to any birthday parties with pools, can you tell me about that?
I noticed you have been making jokes about being "fat", are you feeling uncomfortable about your body?
I noticed you are not wanting to play soccer anymore, could you talk to me about what is bothering you?
If your child opens up about their concerns, first express empathy. Then you are in a position to offer help. Ask permission to share your suggestions - if your child is not ready to hear your ideas, then he or she will likely feel nagged, not encouraged. Here is how I ask permission.
I've learned about some healthy changes we can make as a family that allows our bodies to settle at the weight that is healthy for us. Would you like to learn more?
Some people have found that getting rid of soda and fancy drinks helps with sports performance, would you like to hear about it?
Remember to keep the focus on health and habits, not body shape or size.
A positive start to a discussion on weight with a teen
Avoiding Blame and Shame to Achieve a Healthy Weight
Your child needs to feel good about themselves in order to make healthy choices. Blame and Shame do not motivate children to take good care of themselves. Before you speak, first ask yourself "is there any way my for my child to feel judged by this statement? Avoid these common mistakes:
Mistake: Discussing healthy meals or weight loss at family meals.
Solution: Instead, if you notice something unhealthy happening at mealtime, make a mental note of it and plan a time to bring it up later. The reason: A child may feel guilt if the topic of healthy lifestyle changes keeps coming up as he or she is eating.
Mistake: Questioning portion sizes in real-time There are times when you are noticing that your child or family member is eating more than you think they need. You probably have good intentions when you think of saying " Are you sure you want to eat that?" But your good intentions are likely to backfire.
Solution: You have two good options:
Say nothing in the moment. At a later time, you can bring up a conversation about portion sizes, ordering at restaurants, or eating according to hunger.
A second option is to ask a more empowering question like “Are you still feeling hungry?” This is a gentle reminder to pay attention to their hunger, but also respects their autonomy.
Mistake: Requiring healthy foods for certain members of the family, and allowing unhealthy foods for other family members. While this may help in the short term, it may feel like a punishment for the restricted child.
Solution: Ideally, any food present in the home is allowed for the whole family. Keeping healthier options readily available for children can help them make healthy choices automatically. To help your child feel normal, when making lifestyle changes the whole family's eating habits and physical activity habits should change together.
When talking about developing healthy habits, reinforce how these changes improve their overall health, sports agility, improve clothing choices without any focus on losing weight. Read here for more tips about improving physical activity and healthy eating to improve your child's health.
A Special Note On Teasing
Body-related teasing: If your child has been teased related to his or her body, a parent’s natural instinct may be to help find a solution. By suggesting some healthy foods or exercise opportunities, you imply that your child is responsible for the teasing. The key here: DON’T suggest a solution to change his or her body. A child will feel more supported if you acknowledge their hurt, let them know that body-related teasing is unacceptable and add that you are sorry that this happened to them. "That must have hurt. Teasing someone about their body is wrong and I'm sorry that happened." At a completely separate and unrelated conversation, you could brainstorm suggestions for improved health habits. Remember. Provide support, not advice
Support, not advice, for teasing
Parents play a big role in their child’s self-esteem.
So how can we move forward? How can we shift the focus from appearance to health, from criticism to kindness? First, let's remember that every body is unique and beautiful. Second, let's be mindful of the language we use to talk about bodies, both our own and others. Finally, let's celebrate diversity in all its forms and learn to appreciate the beauty in difference. By making these small changes in our everyday lives, we can help to create a more inclusive and body-positive world for everyone. Thank you for joining me in this important conversation. If you, or someone you know needs more support with talking to kids about weight, please reach out, we are here to help.
Recommended Additional Reading: "I'm Like So Fat" Helping Your Teen Make Healthy Choices about Eating and Exercise in a Weight-Obsessed World by Dianne Neumark-Sztainer *Note* I do not agree with many of her nutrition recommendations, but believe her advice on respectful conversations is spot on.
